Q: What's the difference between Simba and O.J.?
A: One's an African lion the other a lion African!
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his
scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
An old couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their rocking chairs. All the
sudden the old man reaches over and slaps his wife.
She says, "Well what was that for?"
He says, "Thats for 40 years of rotten sex."
She doesn't reply and they start rocking again.
All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband.
He says, "Well what was that for?"
She says, "That's for knowing the difference!"
This woman's husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on with her life hating her ex-husband. One day she found a beautifull lamp lieing in the streets. She picked it up and rubbed it a little bit. Suddenly, a geenie popped out of the lamp! The geenie said that it would grant her 3 wishes & that with every wish her husband it get the same thing only double!
So, the woman thinks of a first wish...
"I want to be rich!!!"
So, the woman became rich, and the husband became twice as rich!
So, the woman thinks of a second wish...
"I want to be beautifull!!"
So, the woman became beautifull, and the husband became twice as beautifull.
"Okay", the geenie says. "This is your last wish so be carefull what you wish for!"
The woman thinks real hard and finally comes to a desision.
"I Want You To Scare me HALF To Death!!"
Shortly after Bill Gates was killed in a freak accident, he found himself being sized up by Saint Peter. "Bill, this is a tough call. You've made great technological advancements with Microsoft, but you've also given us Windows 95. I think I'm going to let you choose between Heaven and Hell."
"That sounds fair," Gates replied. "May I have a look at hell first?"
And so first Saint Peter took him to Hell.
"This is hell? Wow, look at all those gorgeous women, the ones that laughed when I asked them out on dates in high school. And look at those mansions!" exclaimed Bill.
"And see all those coders? They work 24 hours a day for free just because they really love you, Bill, and live only to please you."
"Shazam, this is all virtual, isn't it, Saint Peter?"
"Yep. With no bugs, Bill."
"If this is hell, what can heaven be like?"
(Saint Peter makes sweeping gesture) "Like this!"
"People wearing robes and playing harps while they sit on clouds? What a boring cliche. I'll take Hell!" replies, Gates.
And so two weeks later, St Peter paid a little visit.
"Hey what the hell's going on? It's nearly 200 degrees and the air is terrible. There's no food or drink. Goblins jab me in the ribs constantly. I'm crawling with vermin and weak with disease. They play the Beastie Boys at all hours, for all eternity. There are NO COMPUTERS! Where are the women, the program slaves, the virtual wonders? Where is the splendid hell you promised me?" cries Gates.
"Oh that, that was just a demo..."
Thats all!! Hope you enjoyed them!!!
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